2021 graduate
I can remember being depressed all my life, from a young age, maybe 7 or 8. My weight and hygiene were affected by this depression, and because I was bullied in school about it, those things got even worse. I started smoking cigarettes to fit in when I was 12. Then at about 15 I discovered alcohol and marijuana. As my partying got worse, so did my grades, I barely graduated high school. Then I moved out on my own and of course partied harder and harder.
I was using diet pills around this time and had a 3-year bout with bulimia, which helped me lose weight and I finally started getting the attention I craved. After a short stint in the hospital scared me, I stopped purging but needed to keep my weight under control. That’s when I discovered cocaine. I started buying it regularly and hanging out with the people that used, which meant that I was no longer hanging out with the friends who were concerned about it.
I was in my early twenties when I was sexually assaulted. Any confidence I had left in myself or my body was gone at this point. I hated men, and I hated myself. The weight didn’t stay off forever either, as I never stopped binging. I despised myself with all my being. There is nothing or no one I hated more than myself. One day I couldn’t find any cocaine. But my friend had some meth, so I tried it. I bought some. I went on a 2-week binge and then tried to quit cold turkey. I had always dreamed of suicide but was never brave enough. This comedown from meth was so severe I couldn’t think of a way out besides suicide.
After my suicide attempt, I was placed in a psych ward for 2 weeks. There they told me I could benefit from some drug and alcohol treatment but because I wasn’t “bad enough” they sent me to a halfway house instead of a treatment center. There was no accountability at this halfway house, and I relapsed within 2 months. I was able to keep working as a waitress at this time, but as time went on I befriended someone I met in therapy. He was sober, but I was not. As time went on, he relapsed but I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone. 4 days later he fell out his window and died, and I blamed myself. I spiraled hard and fast. I lost my apartment. I started dating anyone for a place to live. I went through a series of relationships that seemed to prove to me that I was worthless. It was about this time when I was ready to give up again. I called up my mom and told her I wanted to kill myself again, but I was met with something unexpected. She told me about Adult and Teen Challenge of Western Wisconsin. I knew if I could get right with God, that everything would fall in line. So I went to ATCWW. I was there for 3 months before I ran. I was scared. I didn’t want to face the things I’d been running from. I spent the next 6 weeks in a drug induced haze and wondered what in the world I was doing. I thought to myself, “nothing makes sense” It was in that moment that I felt Jesus say to me “if nothing makes sense, why not try me?” So I went back to Teen Challenge. And over the course of the next 12 months, Jesus, through Teen Challenge, taught me about love and forgiveness, and grace. All things I’d never known before. I learned how to change my mind and my behavior. I learned how to forgive myself and others, and for the first time ever, I felt peace and joy. I also learned something special about the brain. I learned that it can physically change with all this mental work we were doing. Just like in Romans 12:2, you can physically renew your mind. It set a fire in me to learn more about it. I graduated ATCWW in May of 2021 and have since been pursuing a bachelors in Neuroscience and Psychology at Bethel University. I have maintained the presidents list the entire time I’ve been in school and increased my GPA from a 1.4 (from trying college in my addiction) to a 3.8.
I just thank God every day for the work He’s done in my heart. It’s not only affected my life, but the lives of those around me. My family is changing too. I can see the change in my mother’s heart, my brother’s heart, and my cousin’s heart as she walks through her own story. I am so thankful that God saved my life. And not only saved it, but absolutely changed it. I am a walking testimony of God’s grace. Praise GOD.